10 Ways to be the Most Annoying Passenger on the Plane Plus 31 Days of Giveaways – Day 7
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If you’re already on Santa’s naughty list this year and you’re thinking you may as well go for broke, here are some helpful tips to boost you up a notch by being the most annoying passenger on the plane.
I’m not talking dangerous here, where fits of insanity prompt flight attendants to restrain passengers in their seats and turn them over to local authorities upon arrival.
Nope, this is just good ol’ annoying, the sort where other passengers shoot you death looks or roll their eyes which is really just code for admiration.
Here are 10 great tips on how to be the most annoying passenger on the plane –
1. There’s no need to wait until you’re on the plane to be an annoying passenger. Surprised? You can start before you’ve even boarded! Position yourself as close to the boarding door as possible, the earlier the better. 30 minutes or even an hour is good. Stand tall, so other travelers will start to notice you and wonder if you might be an annoying passenger. If there’s a place where the boarding line will start, be at the very front. See the group numbers on your boarding pass? Disregard those. It doesn’t matter if your boarding pass says group 2 or 9, when they announce boarding you should be right next to the agent to give them your boarding pass. They’ll be so impressed that you weren’t holding back like the masses that they’ll usually board you right away.
2. Don’t put your roller bag in the overhead above your seat, just take the first available overhead bin. Move bags from other passengers into different bins if needed so yours is nearest the front. Make sure to put your coat up there too, and your second bag too. If enough other passengers took the time to do this, there might not be any more overhead bin space left near where passengers are sitting. Then it could get fun for the flight attendants to figure out the puzzle of where the bags go and more bags might get checked at the end, for free! Plus, since everyone will be sitting for a long time on the plane, it gives passengers near the front some extra exercise when they have to go backwards to get their bag before getting off the aircraft.
3. Once you settle in your seat, recline it immediately. If you’re asked to put it up for take-off or meal service, they’re just checking to make sure the hardware is functioning. Put it back again quickly, without looking behind you. If possible, use a knee extender device on the seat in front of you so the flight attendants get a pop quiz on what to do when seats don’t recline.
4. Leave your window shade all the way open when the sun shines just so, right inside the cabin. Fall asleep immediately for a nap and snore loudly with your mouth wide open. People don’t really want to be working on their laptops or watching movies anyhow, and would much rather see the brilliance of the giant orb in the sky trace a path across their tray table and then onto their faces. If the flight attendant closes your window shade for any reason, open it back up again right away. Extra points when you do this on a flight where people are pretending to sleep next to you. They’re just bored and if you open your windows they can help the pilots check for bogeys out the window.
5. If you have a young child travelling with you, there’s no need to bring any books or toys to keep them occupied. This is your time to relax and let the flight attendants and other passengers take care of them. Kicking the seat in front will soothe a young tyke, and they can run off some steam in the nearby aisle or galley. As a treat, slip them some sugar cubes or pixy sticks.
6. Talk loudly, to everyone you can. This is your big chance! You’ve got a captive audience for however long the flight lasts. Tell your seatmate the entire story of your great aunt’s last 3 hip x-rays, surgery, and don’t leave out any details. Make sure your voice is loud enough so that people several rows away don’t miss out. If they stop responding, that just means they are eager to hear more. Discuss the nuances of the paint colors you are deliberating over for the bathroom or talk about your ingrown toenail. If your seatmate falls asleep, strike up lively conversations with those around the restrooms. Laugh loudly too. Most people get nervous when they fly so the louder you laugh the more you’ll put others at ease.
7. Drink as much free booze you can before the flight, and continue the drinking onboard. Spill a little on a fellow passenger or the floor to show your appreciation. Get angry at the flight attendant or break a glass if they cut you off at some point.
8. When you get up to use the restroom, always grab on to the seat in front of you and yank to pull yourself up. As you stroll down the aisle, make sure to touch each subsequent seat headrest and push down lightly. It’s the airplane version of “Duck, Duck,…Goose!” and if passengers are sleeping it helps get them stay sharp.
9. Share some thoughtful aromas with other passengers. Their taste buds are dulled at 37,000 feet, so the least you can do is provide a delicately scented cloud for others to enjoy. Paint your nails, eat garlic, pass gas profusely and don’t wear deodorant. If you accidentally put on deodorant, just mask it by using approximately half a bottle of perfume or cologne to cover it up. The more, the better.
10. When it comes time to get off the plane, right when hearing the “ding” that signals it is time to stand, it’s important to get up as quickly as a rocket and stretch your legs in the aisle. Do some lunges or arm stretches. If you have a heavy bag in the overhead, another passenger’s head or shoulders can soften the strain on your joints as you pull it down. Take your time arranging your belongings since you have plenty of room and time to do so in the aisle. Everyone behind you is watching how carefully you are sorting through all your belongings and rearranging them before walking off.
As you make your way off the plane slowly, you may be lucky enough to catch a few glances of admiration in your direction. You can now congratulate yourself on a job well-done. Most annoying passenger on the plane, accomplished!
Did I leave out any helpful tips? Share one of yours in the comments below to enter today’s daily drawing for a holiday goodie bag. Contest ends at 9pm PST, and you can click here to read full contest rules.
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